By Frank Lucasale 
Japanese Marriages- In the West, we’re taught that communication fixes everything.
Talk it out.
Express your feelings.
Resolve it immediately.
But according to Japanese relationship counselors, this belief may be one of the biggest reasons couples escalate conflict instead of resolving it.
A Japanese family counselor once explained it simply:
“Western couples talk through tension. Japanese couples sit through it.”
The practice is called ma — and it may be one of the most misunderstood, yet powerful, relationship rules.
What Is Ma?
Ma (間) roughly translates to intentional space or meaningful pause.
In relationships, it means:
- Deliberate shared silence during tension
- No fixing, defending, or explaining
- Waiting until the nervous system calms before speaking
This isn’t avoidance.
It’s emotional calibration.
In Japan, the belief is simple:
Emotion should be resolved after the nervous system resets — not during the spike.
Why Talking While Upset Makes Things Worse
When couples argue, something biological happens.
Research shows partners enter limbic synchronization:
- Heart rate aligns
- Cortisol rises
- Breathing patterns mirror
In this state:
- The prefrontal cortex (reasoning) goes offline
- The brain shifts into defense and threat mode
Talking here doesn’t resolve conflict.
It amplifies it.
Kyoto laboratory studies found that couples practicing ma lowered physiological arousal within 4–7 minutes, allowing rational thought to return.
A calm brain understands.
An activated brain attacks.
A Real Example from Tokyo
A Tokyo couple on the brink of divorce sought therapy.
Instead of communication exercises, the therapist introduced one rule:
- Three minutes of shared silence before any discussion
- No phones
- No eye contact
- No talking
Just co-regulation.
After two weeks, the wife said:
“For the first time, I could hear him without preparing my defense.”
Nothing else changed.
Only timing.
Why Western Couples Misinterpret Ma
In Western culture, silence is often seen as:
- Cold
- Punitive
- Avoidant
In Japan, ma means something very different:
“I will not harm you with a hot mind.”
Silence becomes a buffer, protecting the relationship from the worst version of each partner.
It’s not distance.
It’s discipline.
How to Use Ma in Your Relationship
When tension rises, resist the urge to:
- Explain
- Justify
- Fix
- Confront
Instead, say one sentence:
“Let’s take three minutes of ma.”
Then:
- Sit together
- Stay silent
- Let breathing slow naturally
Once your nervous systems settle, then talk.
In a Kobe study, couples who practiced ma reduced recurring conflicts by 61% in one month.
Final Thought: Silence Can Be an Act of Love
Not every emotion needs immediate expression.
Not every thought deserves airtime.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is wait until your mind cools before you speak.
Western relationships prize expression.
Japanese relationships prize regulation.
And often, the difference between lasting love and repeated conflict is not what you say — but when you say it.